My hip won’t allow me to chase you and neither will my new attitude

April 26, 2015

I’m not an indecisive person. I like what I like typically and can sort thru things pretty quickly. I think I learned it from my Dad. He could walk a flea market in record time (despite freakishly short legs that I also happen to have inherited) and never miss a thing. My eyes can scan for the idea I have in my head while I walk along and I know with confidence if what I want is there. I don’t like to meander when I’m actually looking for or need something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a girl after all. I do like to window shop too but not when I’m on a mission. I don’t doddle. I don’t except almost. Now if I only was so decisive with the people and relationships I have.

I’ve always kind of accepted people for who they were regardless of how they treated me. I remember a particular friend I had about 20 years ago. There’s no nice way to say it, she was a bitch and basically mean. However, I got her. She was my best friend and I didn’t judge her. I accepted her for who she was. Funny because one day she decided I wasn’t worth being friends with any more. I was crushed. Mind you, she was what she was and I never judged her but evidently, she couldn’t return the favor. That’s kinda been a theme for most relationships I’ve had. I accept people for who they are and see the good and embrace the different because I’m different. Unfortunately, but for a few with nerves of steel and the patience of a saint, the favor wasn’t returned and I was cast aside. Those experiences always left me wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I worth understanding? Why did I always get left either struggling to make things right or to be worthy for them? It was always so self destructive for me and just plain hurtful. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time to swallow your pride and do what you must in order to repair things but there’s also a time to say enough is enough. I just recently figured that out. I realized some people are just asses. Sometimes it’s a them issue and not an Amanda failing. This realization has been liberating. I can’t make people like me, love me or want to be in my company but I also can’t take responsibility for their choices. Besides, I’m too old to chase people down anymore. Besides all this running has damaged my hip so it’s just not worth the pain, either physical or emotional. So love me or leave me. It’s your choice but if you leave me, you better be sure because I won’t be following after you. I’ll just get up to hold the door for you.

Much love,



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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties



Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

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