He’s no ones co-pilot

April 1, 2015

It’s funny how kids say things that are so telling in so many ways. One of my dearest friends came and saw me during my run and brought her son. Afterward, we went to lunch. Wyatt rode with me. When we got there, I thanked him for being my co-pilot but he said co-piloting wasn’t fun. So I told him he was my navigator. He asked what that meant but he didn’t think he would be good at that. So I asked what he could be for me? His words I will never forget…” I can be realistic”. While I laughed pretty hard at that I can’t help but think it was God whispering in his ear.

I hate failing. For me failure is not doing something I say I’m going to do. Regardless of the why or the cost, it’s not acceptable in my mind. If I fail, guilt eats me like acid. It corrodes everything else I did accomplish. It makes my heart ache and filled with shame. You can see why I hate to fail. The self inflicted pressure I place on success weighs heavy and takes all joy out of most accomplishments. They say the fun of things is the journey not the destination. As you can see, that’s not the case for me. I fear disappointing anyone. It’s been my job for as long as I can remember. Being reminded I’ve failed someone, anyone, kills me more than you can imagine.

So hearing Wyatt say,
“I can be realistic” spoke straight to my heart. I need to be realistic about a lot of things. Should I force my body to continue to train for 26.2 miles when I say ouch every time I sneeze or roll over in bed? Should I feel bad not raising $10,000. Should I continue to dance when I’m pretty sure no one is watching? I have to be realistic. I’m one person. I’ve done as much or more than many and I’m sure my mom would already be proud. So in the spirit of being realistic, I’m announcing that my marathon will now be a half. I’d rather be able to continue to run after this. I’m going to do my best and the total at the end will be what it is. Realistically, it’s more than the coalitions had before. Lastly, my Mom was seriously flawed, like all of us, but miles or money wouldn’t have changed what I’ve tried to do in her eyes. I’ve made my mark and it’s time to move on. I’m being realistic when I say I’m not perfect but I’m genuine. I did my part and now I’m going to decide what’s next. Realistically, that’s anyone’s guess.

Much love,

Amanda

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