I met a new friend today. His name was Ralphie. He had short legs and a chunky frame but he was out there walking in the park with his daddy (who was driving a hover round) and just enjoying the day. He took the time to stop and say hi and even let me scratch his ears. Those are the best encounters; surprise friendships in unlikely places. It came at a good time and while I’m not sure I’ll ever see him again, I’ll never forget his brown eyes and how he just relaxed and enjoyed my attention. He acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread. I didn’t have to do a thing for him to be my friend.
I think I often try too hard. I’m sure it stems from all my “mom” stuff. I always bend over backwards to deserve to be liked or valued. I’m like the puppy in the pet shop window or the stray pressed up against the cage at the shelter. Pick me! Pick me! I usually do get picked but I wonder if it’s for the right reasons. I hope it’s because of who I am and not out of pity or obligation or for my willingness to please. I hope it’s because I’m genuine and smart. That I’m loyal and not afraid to be myself. I’m goofy but I’m also steadfast. I can be ornery but I have a big heart. I’m not afraid to say the hard things even when it’s not flattering. If I know I can trust you, you’ll not find a more loving and fierce advocate than me. However, as much as I want to believe people see all those things, I’m not sure. I think it’s that internal mirror some of us have. The one that never can recognize the beautiful things within and finds, then magnifies, the bad. I can say I typically feel like I’m begging but then I know that’s my skewed perception or my need to please.
So when I met Ralphie, I realized something. I don’t have to be anything I’m not or do anything I don’t want to. I don’t have to compete or beg. I can smile and be me. I can tell people how I feel and if we are on the same page, then wanting to be my friend will be natural. I’m beginning to get over the need to dance like the ballerina in the music box that my mom taught me to be. I realized recently that even if I am the most beautiful dancer, people will still close the lid. So why exhaust myself? I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be worthy of love and friendship without ever feeling that. So rather than wasting the next half of my life doing that, I’m going to climb out of the music box and close it myself. If you want to be my friend, I welcome you with open arms, if not, I’m sorry and I wish u well.
They say confidence is the sexiest thing about a woman so here’s to finding out. Thanks Ralphie.
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