Trying to look away

March 8, 2015

I love to hurt myself in whatever way I can. I’ve self destructed more times than I can count and lived to tell the tale. I’m not sure if that’s luck or punishment. Maybe it’s both. I use these blogs to talk about all kinds of things. Some more painful than others, some more interesting too but all of them come from my heart. If nothing else I’m honest about my crazy, my hurt and my desire to understand it all. My desire to give up, give in and say Uncle are all choice topics too. I talk about it because it’s true and it’s real and it’s part of what I’ll leave behind. I told my therapist on Thursday I think about dying now more than ever. After five years of working on suicide prevention one would think I’d think less about becoming a statistic but I fly in the face of all that makes sense I guess.

 

I tend to turn away from anything and anyone who has genuine love or concern for me and seek out things that will end up adding another scar to my soul. I am drawn to people and things that justify my own opinion of myself. I am drawn to people and things I feel are just as damaged as I am in hopes they might get me. They might tread lightly on my soul because they know how fragile it is. Truth is, like me, their opinion of themselves is such that they don’t feel they deserve to be happy or cared about so they are just as cruel and those who aren’t damaged. Funny how that works. Damaged people want to save people they see themselves in and in the end they do just the opposite. Just as they do to themselves. Just like I do to myself. We are supposed to love ourselves first and when we see nothing within to love, we self destruct. When all I see is the hurt I’ve caused or the rejection I’ve had, I know my worth is nothing. That voice creeps in and says you owe it to those stupid enough to love you to go so they don’t have to watch you slowly disintegrate until nothing is left. You see…..sometimes suicide may seem selfish but to those who are in that moment, it’s more of a selfless act of sacrifice. It’s totally the opposite for those that love them but I can see how they can get to that point. I’ve been to that point. I’ve been standing in that moment and couldn’t look away. I was there this week and I’m sure I’ll be there again. Can you imagine how that feels? If you can’t, how can you judge? Never presume to know the depth of another’s hurt especially self inflicted. It’s cuts are deeper than any knife could ever go.

 

As I stand in this moment wanting to go, I stay. I’ve made a promise that I can’t go back on. I’ve got to find something within that reminds me I matter. So if I ask what your memory is of me or how you see me know, yes, I’m fishing for compliments. If I can catch enough maybe I can look away. Maybe I can survive. Maybe my blog serves as a mirror for you or maybe a lesson either way, I’m not ashamed. I’m just scared.

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

MHDAS Board of Logan and Champaign Counties

1521 North Detroit Street

West Liberty, OH 43357

937-465-1045

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