Now is the Winter of Our Discontent

March 1, 2015

How many times have you or someone you know said Spring weather can’t come soon enough? This Winter has been cold and snowy. It’s kept us in more than normal and has been pretty miserable. Imagine if the feelings this Winter has brought you is how you felt all the time regardless of the weather. That’s what depression is for many people. You feel cold, isolated and have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything. It’s certainly no fun.

 

I don’t claim to be a clinician. My knowledge is strictly via self experience or being a friend to others who struggle. So I don’t know what chemicals in the brain make it feel good or bad except endorphins. I know those are good. I don’t know the reason some people suffer and others don’t. What I know is that there are times I’m less than motivated and am easily saddened. There are times when I don’t have any fight left and when I don’t want to be anyone’s inspiration. I just want to crawl in bed with my animals and never come out. In fact I feel like that a lot. I regret starting this whole suicide sucks business and wish I was just another survivor. It’s easier to not have to put on the face of determination when no one is watching you. In fact, I’m pretty sure Suicide Sucks has saved my life on more than one occasion. Not that my challenges are special but I’ve got my share. Add those to my bitch in my head and it’s a nasty brew. No wonder I’m a hot mess every now and again.

 

This week I’ve felt ok. I’ve had challenges at work though. I’ve been feeling less than included and a lot like a high school girl (and not in the perky way). Why do people, especially women, do that to each other? I already have a bitch in my head, I don’t need one at my job. I struggled with it. I wanted to just crawl in bed and skip school but alas, I’m not a teenaged girl and had to go to work. I know as a teen my mom would say, “don’t let them bother you, they are just jealous”. I’m sure it wasn’t true then nor is it now but I do wish she was here to tell me that. Being an adult and being professional isn’t fun. Some days I’m just not equipped. Some days being a teenager who doesn’t know any better is certainly appealing. However, I’m not and neither is my work frustration. I’m chalking it up to the weather. I think now is the Winter of our discontent. As Steinbeck said “I wonder how many people I’ve looked at my whole life and never seen” Just thank God if you’re one of the lucky ones who just feels this way during particularly bad weather times and not like some who’s mind is in constant Winter.

 

Much love,

 

Amanda

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