Dear Mom

January 3, 2015


Do you remember being a little kid and having something happen and all you could think about was telling your mom? Good or bad, talking to my mom always made me feel better. There are many days I wish I could call her. Something will happen or I have a question only she can answer and I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice. While running today, I decided to do something I haven’t done since she died. I’d like to share it with you as well. Maybe my thoughts are things you’ve wondered yourself in regards to someone you’ve lost. Maybe seeing my words will inspire you to do the same and it will provide something along the lines of comfort to you.

 

Dear Mom,

I know you aren’t expecting a letter from me but I wanted to share with you a few things that have been happening since we last talked. It’s difficult to get through to you since you left. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well in heaven. I imagine it’s everything you thought it would be and more. I wonder if it gave you that peace you so desperately sought. I can’t imagine being with God isn’t absolute peace though. I’ve had very little peace but I’m working on it. I’ve been working on programs and awareness regarding mental illness for awhile now. Sometimes I feel guilty telling our story. I know we hid it well so when I tell our secrets I feel like I’m betraying you but I also know it’s a great teaching moment for people so I hope you can forgive me. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. Lots of things have happened since you left. Bailey is twenty now. She’s something else. Beautiful and smart and ornery as the day is long. She has a smile that lights up a room too. This past year has been really hard. One where I really needed you more than ever. She has an addiction and while I know it’s not my fault I really needed to hear you tell me it wasn’t. I think she’s getting better or I certainly hope so anyway. I pray to God she survives this. If I lose her, promise me you’ll take care of her. She is the best of me and her being scared or alone is more than I can bear. If she were to cross over, keep her with you until I get there. Dad is doing good. Stubborn as ever. I worry a lot. Unfortunately, he’s really all I have left of the family I had growing up. Being here and him being in Illinois is hard. When I do see him, it can be difficult to see the changes. Time has taken its toll of course but so has your death. Obviously he didn’t take it well. He’s not an open person so I think it eats him alive. He’s still grouchy but he really tries to help me cope. He even tells me he loves me sometimes. It means a lot. You’d be proud of Greg. He and Cheri (his better half) took amazing care of Zoey when Kelsey was getting better. You wouldn’t believe how well he did. It proves he’s got an even bigger heart than we thought. He’s a good big brother to me but distance and his own life prohibit us from being close like I wish we could be. Aimee and I are in a rough patch. I won’t go into it but I’m giving her the space she needs. I love her and miss her a lot. My job is good. I like it a lot. I feel like I make a difference at the hospital. I annoy the crap out of people if nothing else but it does get things to change. I’m doing my run again. I’ve decide it’s the last one at least in this way. I need to change things up I think. Maybe I can get a running group to do something as a team next year. You know me, I’ll think of something. Well I suppose I should bring this to a close for now. I still wonder why you left but I’m not as mad as I once was. I still search for a reason to blame myself because that’s the easiest way for me to make sense of it. Maybe someday you can visit me in my dreams and tell me I’m going to be ok. I’ll be honest, no matter where I go, what I do or how old I am, I still need and want my mommy. Please give my doggies kisses. We miss them too but I know you’re taking care of them. Until we meet again, remember I love you.

Punkin

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