More than my skin

December 28, 2014

 


Being a paradox or an enigma really means being in direct conflict with yourself; Being two very different things at once. I often struggle with that. I think people tend to look at a person on the outside and maybe some of their behaviors and decide who they are without ever really knowing them. It’s funny, I am one of the most complex and varied people you’ll ever meet yet all I crave is simplicity. I am nothing like I seem yet I hate fake with a passion. I am very empathetic and compassionate yet I judge harshly. I love to wear PRADA and Louboutin but grew up barefoot and loved it. In the public eye I am a professional who is very appropriate and yet I have a back full of ink. Hi, I’m Amanda and I’m more than meets the eye.

As I have started thinking about this years run and fundraising I’ve been feeling very introspective. I remember when I decided I wanted to do this and why. I remember who I was then. Thinking I was at my lowest and needed something to grab onto. What I’ve found out is that my desire to do this then as it is now is more than meets the eye. Sound familiar? Nothing is straight forward with me. I wanted resources for people like me. I wanted people to hear my story and not feel alone. I wanted people to understand mental illness can affect anyone and any family. I wanted to feel better. I wanted people to know my mom for her not how she died; However, the main desire and non charitable force was really my selfishness. I wanted to matter and I wanted a reason to live. At the core of all my philanthropy is really just a very complex person who wants to live. A person who can’t do it for them but has to either have someone or something that counts on them. Yes I know, you have to love yourself first. Well, that’s not how this girl works though. I just want to be loved for me even though I really don’t know who I really am. It’s asking a lot so that’s why I do the things I do. My good deeds haven’t been altruistic but I hope they made me appealing enough to matter.

I feel like these last four years have made a difference to many people and our community so I’m ready to finish this fifth year and make a difference for me. I’m not hanging up my running shoes but my long standing feelings of inadequacy. In the end, maybe the me we all discover is worth loving. Maybe I can find the me who runs barefoot chasing fireflies and laughs with the innocence of a child again. The person who isn’t a paradox just Amanda. I know she’s in here somewhere.

Much love,

Me

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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