I can’t seem to shake my feeling of failure. It is like a cloud above me that continually produces a rainy mist. It permeates everything and its accumulated weight holds me down. As much as I am told it’s not my fault. As much as I tell myself I’ve done my best, I still see this as a certain reflection of me. Where did I go wrong and how can I change it. It’s scary the things my mind comes up with as solutions. Most are things I hope will provide enough shock value to redirect the behavior and open eyes to change lives. Some are scenarios where I am able to force change that will sustain. Unfortunately, those scenarios would cause me more issues than benefit. How do you fight a faceless foe? How do you help someone who won’t accept it? How am I supposed to continue to live in a world where something so terrible is so prevalent? Why do I feel so alone when I know so many others have been and are in my place? As you see, I’m in a state of perpetual questioning. A place where I am sure of only one thing – heroin sucks. Therefore, I’m pissed and I’m determined. How can a beautiful child of 18 die before anyone even realizes there is an issue; a child with a life ahead of her, hopes , dreams and a world of possibility? Heroin knows how to hide for a while. She’s a sneaky bitch that can lie in wait for just the right time to shatter the lives and hopes and dreams of all she touches. Her web of deceit knows no limits; has no boundaries and has all the patience in the world because she knows it takes a miracle to get away from her sticky grasp. Besides, she also knows her grasp will be a lifelong clutch that has to be constantly fought. She knows she’ll never be forgotten. Just like someone’s first love, the memory of her will resurface and the bittersweet memories cloud the reality of who she really was. She waits because maybe, just maybe, they’ll come back to her. She knows often times they do. And sometimes when they come back to her, she keeps them forever. They fall back into her grip to heavily and too hard and never wake from her poisonous kiss. Then she knows she’s won yet again. Today I want to send a message to heroin. I hope she listens and hears me loud and clear. You better watch your back; I have my eyes on you. You don’t scare me. Those dark disciples you send to be your couriers of death to my child and others are in my crosshairs. Anything I can do, I will. Any chance I have, I will take. Any moment of weakness, I will exploit. I am coming for you and when I find you, you won’t soon forget my name. I’m Bailey’s Mother and I’m not backing down.
Fuck you heroin. To those in my shoes or facing the horrible reality that heroin took their precious ones we can stand together and fight.
Much love, Amanda
I’m not an indecisive person. I like what I like typically and can sort thru things pretty quickly. I think I learned it from my Dad. He could walk a...
My hip won’t allow me to chase you and neither will my new attitude
April 26, 2015
Well, it’s all over now. I’ve completed five years of fundraising honoring my mom and all those who’ve been added since the beginning. My final triump...