This is Goodbye

June 2, 2014

 

When reading these words, please remember, this was a cathartic exercise for me. One that I felt I needed to do. Something to help me remember even on my darkest day when words pour out, I am here and I will continue on my journey.

I’m sharing a note I wrote recently when I was struggling to stay. My friend Melissa reminded me that I matter today. It proves yet again, just a few words can save a life. Melissa this is for you. Your support lets me stay.

I’m sorry. I just can’t look at myself anymore.

If you’re reading this then I’ve done what I vowed never to do. I succumbed to that which I swore would never take me. I’m sorry to have disappointed anyone. I’m just too tired to keep fighting and I know I don’t deserve to be here regardless. My presence causes too much pain. My mistakes have hurt too many and I see the judgment in many peoples eyes so I’ll give you what you want. I will allow people to be shocked and deal as they must but as with any death, it will get better and it will allow those I’ve hurt to move on.

I’ve loved unconditionally, I’ve tried my best and I’ve learned the hard way. I am not perfect and no one is but I see my life isn’t necessary for people to learn and survive. Take this as a lesson to all. Even I can stare into the abyss feeling the acute pain I’ve caused and still jump off the ledge without looking back. I know it will hurt some but I am to blame for my choice. No one else is. I will be remembered as a hypocrite and that’s ok. It will bring attention to mental illness and suicide. It will get people talking, it will move people to action so at the end of the day, it’s a good thing. Take it as a fresh start. Take it as my solution to a series of problems, that are temporary yes, but never ending. One thing upon another and the common denominator is me. If I remove myself from this equation, things are bound to improve for many.

To my husband, I hope you find relief to your constant state of worry. To my daughter I hope you see that I loved you no matter what. To my sister I never tried to pick a side. To my Dad I’m sorry I could not survive. To my friends should supported me regardless of how difficult I made it, know I held your love close to me until the end. To those who judged or used me to their advantage, you got your wish. I proved you right, I wasn’t who I presented myself to be. I was broken and try as I might all things I fought to change couldn’t be. I am too damaged to be of value here but maybe in death I can make the change I couldn’t in life. Hold each other close and when people say what they will remember they are just as broken as I was but just don’t see it. Hold them close and help them.

Remember me kindly and when you see a dragonfly say hello. Maybe, just maybe, I will hear.

Much love,

Amanda

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

MHDAS Board of Logan and Champaign Counties

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