I won’t die on this hill

May 26, 2014

My friend Rebecca said this phrase the other day in reference to a person we both get frustrated with. She’s one of those people you feel like you’re hitting your head against a brick wall with when trying to explain something to her. As soon as Rebecca said it, I knew I had to use it because it’s so fitting for life and having to pick your battles.

I remember my sister saying to choose my battles when it came to Bailey and her teen years. Some stuff was typical others not so much so I had to learn to not die on that hill a lot while other times I’ve had to be willing to go down in a blaze of glory if need be. Isn’t it funny how what seems so life shattering today can be so minute tomorrow in the grand scheme of things? There are lots of sayings regarding suicide when it comes to that line of thinking, the one I hear most often, a permanent solution to a temporary problem isn’t quite as dramatic as ” I’m not going to die on this hill”. It’s true though, some of my toughest up hill climbs turned out to be nothing once I got over that hump. Others were true mountains where I needed nerves of steel to conquer but in the end I did. I might have made it to the other side with more than a few bumps and bruises but the fact remained, I made it and typically I learned a valuable lesson from it. One I’d never had if I’d allowed myself to die on that hill.

I think about the things I’d go blindly into battle for. Those “hills” I die for and I can say the loss of a friendship (or a perceived one), relationship or financial pitfall won’t be my final curtain call. I’d die for those who love me no matter what, I’d die to do the right thing (even though I don’t always do the right thing) and I’d die so that others could live but having lost my mom to suicide and having to see my precious girl struggle with addiction, I know I can’t let my dark days get the best of me. I have other more important hills to climb. Bigger and tougher dragons to slay so for today my clothes being too tight and being snubbed by people I thought cared about me aren’t hills I’m willing to die on. I will charge on and live to die another day on another more worthwhile hill.

I’d also like to thank the heroes who literally died for our freedom on hills, on beaches, in the desert or the jungle. Thank God for all of you who were willing to die on those hills so we could be free.

Much love,

Amanda

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

MHDAS Board of Logan and Champaign Counties

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