It’s darkest before the dawn

May 18, 2014

There have been many times in my life when I’ve wanted give up. That’s why the running of a marathon is one of those things that can take you thru a range of emotions in the span of a day and remind you that it’s always darkest before the dawn. This was my fourth marathon and perhaps the most emotional. I got to share it with people I love and I was able to see the gratitude written on the faces of families I ran for as I crossed the finish line. I’m always humbled by the honor these survivors have bestowed on me and inspired to never give up. Inspired to Stay.

 

Yesterday I experienced rain, wind, sleet, and hail. I was hot and I was cold. I felt good and I felt pain. I cried and I laughed. I felt proud and I felt embarrassed. I wanted to quit. I wanted to finish. Like I said it’s like experiencing a life time of emotion over the course of 26.2 miles. It teaches you a lot about yourself and it reminded me that life isn’t about perfection it’s about making choices both good and bad, facing consequences and giving yourself credit and holding yourself accountable. While I know I will always struggle with believing I am ok, yesterday showed me I can to what I set out to do and that some of the best people in this world care about me regardless.

 

This year during the course of my training a lot of my visions for why I started this have come full circle. Awareness, resources and programs in my county are up and running. People are recognizing suicide is a result of an illness ( either long term or acute) and are starting to talk about it. All the time I’ve invested in training and all the chaffing and pain was worth it just to see this happen. I am also starting to admit to myself I can make a difference. Even as i type those words, I hear my inner voice saying but you do/have done a lot of crappy things too. That voice is right but for now, I’m going to do my best to ignore it. I did a good thing and I changed lives. None of those bad things can take that accomplishment away.

 

So after a long day of running, walking and wanting to admit defeat I crossed a finish line filled with people there to support me. Faces of people who experienced unimaginable loss cared about me. People drove from near and far to share the day with me. They may not know all the dark and ugly corners of my soul but those things don’t negate the good things and that’s what I saw in their eyes as I finished. I mattered and my journey mattered and I can Stay.

 

Much love,

 

Amanda

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

MHDAS Board of Logan and Champaign Counties

1521 North Detroit Street

West Liberty, OH 43357

937-465-1045

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