Dixie's Smile

May 13, 2015

Well, it’s all over now. I’ve completed five years of fundraising honoring my mom and all those who’ve been added since the beginning. My final triumph didn’t go as planned though. I had visions of shaving significant time off my run and breaking fundraising records. Instead, I have a gimpy hip that caused a lot of issues on my course (that was only half its normal distance) and my total didn’t hit the mark.  It’s not in my nature to be ok with and I’m not but if I’ve learned nothing this past year, I’ve learned the art of letting go of the expected and embracing the joys you didn’t expect. So while I finished in less than a blaze of glory, my joy came from a little girl who gave me dandelions. My favorite flowers used to be tulips until May 9, 2015. Dixie’s smile changed that.

Say what you want about convention and expectations but I’m living proof that you can step outside yourself and in the blink of an eye and see years of work for what it really is. Money raised? Yes. Awareness? Yes. Closure? Yes. However, it’s really a way to connect with people who can make you see beauty again. Beauty in Dixie’s smile, beauty in a handful of dandelions and beauty in a 43 year old woman just learning who she is for the first time. This started out as one thing but thru the peaks and valleys of the last five years I realize many things. I’ve said all along I’m not what people think. Initially all I saw was my demons within but what I’ve found is, they aren’t demons but shadows and ghosts. Just illusions I needed to clear away. I realized as I knelt down and took those flowers, I’m not a hero but I’m not a monster either. I realized I’m human and that’s ok. I did what I needed to do in order to navigate the waters of my grief and Saturday I came ashore to a group of people who love me for me. I can untie the mooring of that ship and let it float back out without me clinging to it anymore. I still grieve over my mom as I do for all my angels; even those I never met. They are forever a part of me and I am honored to have them in my heart. However, just as how my mom died should not define how she lived, it shouldn’t define me either.  I am not Amanda the suicide whisperer or the Union County Suicide zealot. I am a survivor and now it’s time to live.

 

Much Love,

 

Amanda

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Well, it’s all over now. I’ve completed five years of fundraising honoring my mom and all those who’ve been added since the beginning. My final triump...

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May 13, 2015

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Suicide Prevention Coalition of Logan and Champaign Counties

 

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