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May 13, 2015

Well, it’s all over now. I’ve completed five years of fundraising honoring my mom and all those who’ve been added since the beginning. My final triumph didn’t go as planned though. I had visions of shaving significant time off my run and breaking fundraising records. Instead, I have a gimpy hip that caused a lot of issues on my course (that was only half its normal distance) and my total didn’t hit the mark.  It’s not in my nature to be ok with and I’m not but if I’ve learned nothing this past year, I’ve learned the art of letting go of the exp...

April 26, 2015

I’m not an indecisive person. I like what I like typically and can sort thru things pretty quickly. I think I learned it from my Dad. He could walk a flea market in record time (despite freakishly short legs that I also happen to have inherited) and never miss a thing. My eyes can scan for the idea I have in my head while I walk along and I know with confidence if what I want is there. I don’t like to meander when I’m actually looking for or need something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a girl after all. I do like to window shop too but not when I’m...

April 19, 2015

I won’t pretend that I’m not this way a little but I try my best to be direct. I hate head games and insinuation almost as much as I hate wearing dress pants. If I’ve done something wrong, say so. If I can make it right I will. If you disagree with me, that’s ok too. However, don’t ask me a question when you don’t want the answer and don’t lie about your motive for asking. Don’t punish me for having an opinion of my own either, all relationships have disagreements. We are individuals after all. Besides, the basis of a true and good relationship...

April 12, 2015

I’m obsessed with a lot of things but I think most are harmless. My obsessions make me smile. They make me laugh or make me feel more confident. I’ve been discovering lately the bliss finding your happy can create. It’s a simple concept but one that has eluded me for the most part until now. I used to feel like that was wrong or that I should wallow in what was wrong instead of the right. I’m not sure exactly what’s helped me turn the corner. Maybe realizing crap continues to happen regardless or maybe feeling like I’ve lost a lot and focusing...

April 5, 2015

I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I expect too much. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I was. I’m not sorry I stopped trying. There has been a certain freedom in deciding to just be. No more rejection or begging or guilt. Where has this been my whole life? No one told me I had to be constantly dancing. It was a lesson I took out of examples or behaviors I watched growing up. No one said I must, I just thought I did. I just assumed to be accepted or loved I had to give and give and until I lost who I was altogether. I don’t see a...

April 1, 2015

It’s funny how kids say things that are so telling in so many ways. One of my dearest friends came and saw me during my run and brought her son. Afterward, we went to lunch. Wyatt rode with me. When we got there, I thanked him for being my co-pilot but he said co-piloting wasn’t fun. So I told him he was my navigator. He asked what that meant but he didn’t think he would be good at that. So I asked what he could be for me? His words I will never forget…” I can be realistic”. While I laughed pretty hard at that I can’t help but think it was God...

March 22, 2015

I met a new friend today. His name was Ralphie. He had short legs and a chunky frame but he was out there walking in the park with his daddy (who was driving a hover round) and just enjoying the day. He took the time to stop and say hi and even let me scratch his ears. Those are the best encounters; surprise friendships in unlikely places. It came at a good time and while I’m not sure I’ll ever see him again, I’ll never forget his brown eyes and how he just relaxed and enjoyed my attention. He acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread....

March 15, 2015

The song "Stay" by Florida Georgia Line plays in my head a lot. It’s on my playlist for when I run too. If you read the lyrics you may correlate it to many things. It makes me think about my mom a lot and just my feelings of rejection in general. It starts out saying

“I’d sell my soul just to see your face.

And I’d break my bones just to heal your pain.
In these times I need a saving grace,
But time is running out and I’m starting to lose my faith”

I think about that all the time. If I could have done something, anything, to make her Stay I would...

March 8, 2015

I love to hurt myself in whatever way I can. I’ve self destructed more times than I can count and lived to tell the tale. I’m not sure if that’s luck or punishment. Maybe it’s both. I use these blogs to talk about all kinds of things. Some more painful than others, some more interesting too but all of them come from my heart. If nothing else I’m honest about my crazy, my hurt and my desire to understand it all. My desire to give up, give in and say Uncle are all choice topics too. I talk about it because it’s true and it’s real and it’s part of...

March 1, 2015

How many times have you or someone you know said Spring weather can’t come soon enough? This Winter has been cold and snowy. It’s kept us in more than normal and has been pretty miserable. Imagine if the feelings this Winter has brought you is how you felt all the time regardless of the weather. That’s what depression is for many people. You feel cold, isolated and have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything. It’s certainly no fun.

 

I don’t claim to be a clinician. My knowledge is strictly via self experience or being a friend to others who...

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Well, it’s all over now. I’ve completed five years of fundraising honoring my mom and all those who’ve been added since the beginning. My final triump...

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May 13, 2015

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